Friday, January 7, 2011

Ramblings...Does it make me a terrible person?

I'm off work today and Drex stayed all night since his mama and daddy have to work late. Poor lil guy had to sleep in his swing because his sinuses are draining and if he lies flat he coughs constantly. Right now he's sleeping in the floor propped up on pillows.

As some of you know the man I call dad is actually my stepdad. He is a wonderful man and if people don't know that he's not my brothers and my real dad its because we are his and he loves us as his.
I say that so you will understand what I say next.
My aunt who is the sister of my "real" dad facebooked me the other day to let me know he had a heart attack and his kidneys failed. He was moved to a larger hospital. And he has 3 blockages and kidneys are working at 52 % now. He lives in a small town in LA and I haven't talked to him in years. My mom and him got divorced when I was 10 and for a while he was in and out of our lives but then he just quit coming around. He has grandkids he has never met. When my girls were small and he lived in my town I took them to meet him and he would come in and out of their life for a very short time. That's not what I wanted for them and quit taking them to his house where it all felt awkward anyway.
I hate that he's sick and has these problems but I feel bad because I don't feel bad in the way you would think I should. I talked to my oldest brother and he said he felt the same way. My youngest probably doesn't even have a lot of memories of him,he was 5 when they divorced.

Am I wrong? Does it make me a terrible person for feeling this way?

My aunt gave me his room number and I just don't have the want to to even call him.

I hope and pray all turns out ok for him. I know his wife and kids from her are probably with him. To be honest my life before I was 10 seems like a book I read long long ago.
We were really close back then but it seems like it was so easy for him to just throw us away.

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6 comments:

Oka said...

You are not a bad person. He chose his path in life and that was to basically walk away from his first family.

Don't let family guilt you in to not feeling the way they expect you to feel. They can't understand how you feel, and have no reason to dictate how you should feel.

I would continue what you are doing, Pray for him and his family.

Jenn @ South of Sheridan said...

I agree - you are not a bad person for the way you feel. Sometimes we have to make the decision to remove people from our lives who are unhealthy, even if they are our biological parents.

Rhonda said...

Oka pretty much said it all so there is not much for me to say. You, of all people are not a bad person. There is not an ounce of bad in you from the years that I have known you. Live your life to the fullest and never have any doubts, hon.

Stasha said...

You are not a bad person. Not at all.

I know that even though the past was rough, you wouldn't wish anything bad on anyone... Continue to pray for him to recover.

Don't let anyone talk you into doing something that is uncomfortable for you!!

*hugs*

Brittney said...

you are not a bad person hun, dont feel bad you didnt walk out on him it was the other way around. I pray that he recovers as well but you shouldnt beat yourself up about not wanting to go!

gayle said...

You are a wonderful person! It's hard to have deep feelings for someone that you are not very close to now. Do what you want to do and it will be the right thing to do!